


A Sinner's Repent

by dhi_s



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi - Freeform, Feels, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Hurt Hatake Kakashi, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:27:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26187157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dhi_s/pseuds/dhi_s
Summary: Kakashi knew that he should be grateful for what he has.He has friends, a family, and is the retired Hokage in a time of peace.Of course he knew .So why is that he is starting feel the emptiness that was once his everyday , creep back into his life.
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi, Hatake Kakashi & Namikaze Minato, Hatake Kakashi & Nohara Rin & Uchiha Obito, Hatake Kakashi & Uchiha Sasuke, Hatake Kakashi/Uchiha Obito
Comments: 55
Kudos: 232





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> hello :)
> 
> this is my first time writing a story and i'm very excited to see where this goes. feedback and comments are always welcomed!

Logically, Kakashi knew he had everything he could ever want.

After the fourth shinobi war, the village was a broken example of what it once as and as the newly appointed Rokudaime Hokage, he had helped restore it and saw life flourish in the place he calls home once again. His team or known even better know as the new Sannin were all moving on and coping with what the war had left. Sakura had initially taken back to back shifts at the hospital for three days straight helping the injured before Kakashi had to step in himself to prevent her from dropped dead on her feet because of exhaustion. Sasuke was in and out of the village doing long term missions for him and slowly building back trust with the village. He was also avidly doing everything in his power to avoid socializing with anyone whenever he was back in Konoha. And Naruto. Naruto was too busy complaining about how much he had to learn to become a jounin and why he couldn't just become the Hokage right away. Every so often however, when Kakashi and Naruto met for lunch at the newly built Ichiraku, he could see the boy- the man lose himself in his thoughts thinking both about nothing and everything. 

But, they were still here.

And so was Tenzo and Gai and Kurenai and the others. Healthy and living and maybe a little damaged but  _ alive. _

So why was the familiar feeling of emptiness starting to creep back into his life. 

He started noticing it in small details.

How it would take much longer for him to get out of bed than normal to the point where his ANBU had to step in once to make sure he wasn't dead. How he would avoid eating meals by himself unless he was with someone else. How he would keep brushing Gai off whenever he came by rolling in his wheelchair with another youthful challenge. How his thoughts would leave him awake and in a dazed state all night. He distinctly remembers the similarity of this feeling from when he was younger. When each person he had given a piece of his small heart to, had left him empty in some way.

He remembers Minato sensei coming to find him for dinner, only to find the 6-year old boy lying in the blood of his father’s cold rotting body.

Kakashi remembers it happening when Obito died. The sudden realization that he was late  _ always too late where it mattered  _ to tell the first and only person he had ever loved that he cared so much for him and

_ please don't go I need you _

Next was Rin. Rin, who was always looking out for Obito and him. Rin whose soul was always so pure compared to his tainted self. It was only right that his sleep was plagued by the nightmares of his hand stained with her bright blood and her last word of his name falling from her mouth.

Then it was Mintato sensei and Kushina-nee. Minato-sensei who looked at him for him when he was shunned by the village and took him under his care and was a father figure to him. Kushina-nee who was the closest thing he had to an  _ okaa-san  _ he has ever had. Minato sensei had promised Kakashi that he would never leave him alone after he had to come to him crying in the middle of night because he could still see Obito's small weak smile from under the boulder everytime he opened his Obito's sharingan and Rin's blood on his hand even though hes been scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing. His sensei had hugged him so tight that he could barely breathe but he promised that he would never ever leave him alone. But he did and

_ he promised he would stay _

_ he promised he wouldn't leave me _

_ please come back _

_ i didn’t mean to _

_ i’m sorry _

The hollow feeling in his chest grew with one after the other. He threw himself in ANBU hoping that one fucking day he would be able to see them again. Taking any available S-rank missions praying that one of them would finally land him six feet underground and away from everyone else he might hurt. He earned himself a spot in the bingo books with many nicknames.  _ Sharingan Kakashi  _ or  _ Friend Killer Kakashi  _ or his personal favorite simply  _ Cold-Blooded Killer _ . 

Obviously people had noticed.

Kurenai had pleaded with him many times to think about his own safety. Gai had tried to convince him to leave ANBU all together as if it wasn't the last thing keeping him sane and Asuma had tried to convice his dad to let him leave but " _ He is one of or best shinobi Asuma. We need him. Konoha needs him" _ . 

But who the fuck were they to tell him what he needed to do

He was the one whose hands are  **drenched** in innocent blood 

_ not theirs _


	2. chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :)
> 
> i noticed a few spelling/grammar mistakes in my last chapter so I payed extra attention in this one   
> (if anything slipped by let me know). i also tried to increase the word count so it would be a longer read. 
> 
> feedback and comments are always welcome!
> 
> TW: Panic Attack and Self Harm // Kakashi has a panic attack and scratches at his arm to to the point where they blister

When Kakashi had returned from his S-Rank solo mission that day, he had planned on turning in his report and then sleeping the chakra exhaustion off. So when he did arrive at the Hokage Tower, a dismissal from ANBU was the last thing he was expecting.

_ “Hound, turn in your mask”  _

In all honesty, Kakashi knew it would happen sooner or later. There were only so many years a shinobi could serve under ANBU before they were deemed insane by Inoichi or too hurt to be in the active roster. He had served in ANBU for a total of twelve years, under two different Hokages, and had been named captain for eight of those years. He had lived longer than what was expected as a shinobi of the shadows but that didn’t stop the sudden stabbing pain his heart felt hearing those words. 

  
  


_ “I know this was not expected Hound, but it is for the better” _ Hiruzen said in a calm and monotone voice.

_ “Many of your friends have come to me for some time now, demanding I take you off the ANBU roster but I had been oblivious to what they had seen”. _ Hiruzen told Kakashi, eyeing the kneeling figure for any reaction to his words. The latter had his face turned downwards, carefully slack with no emotion as he appeared to be listening to his words. 

_ “Hai Hokage-sama” _ Kakashi said, his voice, albeit a little rougher than normal, revealing nothing to what he was feeling at that moment. 

_ “You have served Konoha well all these years but now it is time to rest. Please turn your mask in. Kakashi” _

Hiruzen watched as the young boy-  _ man really, because the broken shell of a person who stood in front of him, still covered in blood from what was now his last mission, never had the opportunity to truly be a boy,  _ reach up to his face and take his Hound mask off. Kakashi wordlessly hands it over to Hiruzen’s outstretched hand and resumed the position before his Hokage. 

_ “You will resume life as a regular jonin shinobi and will accept missions that are appropriate to that rank. You are dismissed” _ the Hokage said in a final tone. 

Kakashi rose slowly to his feet and bowed one more time. 

_ “Hai Hokage-sama,” _ he said before he shunshinned. 

Hiruzen let out a sigh as he felt the slight buzz that was uniquely Kakashi’s lightning chakra dissipate from the room. The shinobi world would always be cruel. Everyone knew that. It was taught in the academy when they were genin, reinforced when they were chunin, and experienced when they were jonin. There was always hope though, just beyond all the suffering that existed. For someone like Kakashi however, he wasn’t sure how much more suffering the young man had to endure to finally see his  _ own _ version of hope. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ he couldn’t breathe  _

Kakashi knew, underneath the heavyweight of panic that began to set in as soon as he arrived at his apartment, that he should probably calm down and think about what had just conspired. He mechanically removed all his gear and equipment from that night as his mind raced with thoughts and unanswered questions. 

_ what happens to my team  _

_ who will be made captain  _

_ will Hound be a retired name  _

_ what happens to me... _

__

Taking note of the strong scent of iron that seemed to linger on his body, Kakashi headed towards his bathroom to clean off. 

With each step he took toward his destination, his eyes seemed to blur with unshed tears and his limbs felt heavier than they normally should. There was a constricting feeling that began to sit in his chest making it harder to breathe than it normally should. 

_ did i sustain an injury today _

Kakashi thought to himself, trying to remember the details of his mission and anything that might’ve caused him to feel this way before the Hokage had announced his dismissal from-

_ no, I'll deal with it later _

Kakashi buried all thoughts related to events that took place moments ago opting to sort them out when his heart didn't feel like it was about to jump out of his chest. ANBU had taught him to repress all emotions until his team and himself was safe. It was his lack of emotion during missions anyhow that made him notorious for the name  _ Cold-Blooded Killer _ . 

He recalls writing down in the mission report that his final mission had been completed successfully with no casualties and no injuries. So why was he feeling like his lungs were being squeezed and his head was being smashed to the ground. Kakashi managed to make it to the bathroom, only to keel over his sink. He ignores the sharp pain of his sink digging into his ribs and turns the hot water on blast and waits till the temperature becomes scalding. 

  
  


Vaguely, he knows he’s felt like before though. That was clear. The growing ache in his chest was a familiar one but he couldn’t pinpoint from where exactly. His racing heartbeat that seemed to be the loudest thing in the room, the sharp pain in his chest that reminded him to breathe despite the tightness that seemed to be getting worse each time. It was all almost  _ sickly _ nostalgic. 

Sensing the steam that slowly began to fill his small bathroom, he put his hands under the boiling hot water and started washing away at the dried blood. The water that ran down his hands and fingers came out tinted with red and the steam in the air began to take on a slight coppery scent. Kakashi picked under his nail first to get rid of dirt and skin that was probably there and moved to scrub up his arms to get rid of the dried blood that was still stubbornly there. He continued to vigorously scratch at the skin coating his arms until the water running down his hand had been pure and clean and the only red remaining was the blistering and burnt skin of his own hands. 

He turned off the tap and turned around to grab something to dry off with when the room suddenly felt tighter and his head felt hotter and Kakashi couldn't breathe at all. 

He dropped to his knees and tightly grasped at the shirt that he had been wearing under his ANBU uniform, as if that was the thing rendering him breathless and to the point of passing out and willed himself to calm down. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembers, under the fog that seemed to be steadily clouding his mind, the advice he gave Tenzo when the younger had just gotten out of ROOT and had showcased the same symptoms he had now. The younger had simply been so overwhelmed with everything to the point where his chest had been moving up and down at a dangerously fast pace. He remembers holding the others small hand to his own chest and telling him to breathe in for four seconds and then out for eight seconds and that if he didn’t calm down soon, this would turn into a full blown-

_ panic attack  _

The great  _ Sharingan Kakashi _ , who was feared throughout all the hidden villages and was deemed a  _ flee on sight  _ in bingo books, taken down to his knees by his own mind and body. In some sick way, it seemed fitting. After all, it was Kakashi who had become close to everyone who had died. He was the common factor. He let out what felt like a choked brittle laugh at the thought as he leaned back against the bathroom wall and tried focusing on keeping his chest moving.

He was fourteen when he had experienced his last panic attack. 

The nine-tails had tarnished Konoha and Yondaime and his wife had died protecting the village. It was Hiruzen, who retook the role of Hokage once again, that came to tell the last member of Team Minato what had conspired that night. The sudden and painful realization that his only remaining family had  _ left him alone again  _ had set off the attack. It had escalated to the point where he needed to be sedated before he might've caused any lasting damage to his body. Repressing outward emotions and distracting thoughts had helped him many times when he was needed to complete difficult assignments. Kakashi constantly used that skill in all other aspects of his life too. 

_ keep everyone away and they won’t get hurt _

_ you won't get hurt _

Kakashi had been convinced that distancing himself was what would help everyone in the long term. And he was right. He hadn't let anyone else get close to him since. Team Ro may have been the only exception but they were still his subordinates first and foremost. 

But now, sitting against his bathroom wall, feeling like he was fourteen all over again, Kakashi wished for the first time, as hot tears rolled down his eyes and choked out sobs were coming from his shivering body, since he had been in ANBU that somebody would hold him. Somebody would tell him that the last connection he had to what was left of his family, a chance that Minato sensei had given Kakashi so that he could look after his last student himself, was not just ripped away from his hands. Somebody would reassure him that everything was going to be okay.

Even when it wasn’t. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed!


	3. chapter three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :)
> 
> i would like to formally apologize to hatake kakashi in advance for the things I have planned
> 
> please forgive me

Kakashi awoke to a disturbance in his wards. His eyes shot open as he sat upright in bed, honing his senses on the familiar chakra that had entered his house. 

He had long since moved out of his small apartment after it had been completely wiped out during the war and being the former Hokage had certain benefits to fix that. One of those perks included a nice big house that sat atop the Hokage monument. Naruto, Sakura, and Sai had come with him to get a good look at the place before he moved on. 

“Sensei, how are you liking the place so far” Naruto asked with a cheeky grin on his face. He had been excited to look around the house the entire time and had some very ‘creative’ ideas for Kakashi to use. 

“It's not too bad” he replied in an indignant tone, a sly smirk hidden under his mask. 

“It's not too bad?” Sakura shrieked in response. “Sensei these homes were built specifically to house the Hokage and their families. There’s literally nothing wrong with them” 

Kakashi laughed a low laugh as he gazed over the members of his former team. They were always so easily riled up when they were younger and it's clear that hasn't changed. 

“Maybe that's why Kakashi doesn’t like it,” Sai said, pulling curious glances from the others. 

“What do you mean Sai? Kaka-sensei was just playing around you know” Naruto answered as everyone stopped to look at Sai. Kakashi knew that Sai had been ex-ROOT before the war and still had a hard time understanding things like sarcasm. Naruto and Sakura had been helping him understand things and he was slowly learning. 

“Ugly said that the Hokage houses were built to accommodate the Hokage and their families. Seeing as Kakashi has no family that is currently alive, it would mean that he is the sole person to be residing in this house. It would make sense for a lonely person to not like it here” 

Kakashi felt his chest ache. 

“Sai!” “Idiot!”

“Oy, watch what you're saying. Kakashi-sensei does a family you know, it's us” Naruto replied, his tone becoming defensive quickly. 

Kakashi made sure to not physically react and plastered a smile on his face. He tried to make it look like the comment didn’t affect him but looking at the worried glances Naruto and Sakura were throwing him, his deception skills were a little weak. 

“Maa, it's fine Naruto he meant nothing serious with that. What Sai said might have been correct before but you guys are now my family and that's all I care about” Kakashi replied, his voice sounding a bit forced with fake cheer. Kakashi's genin team was still a sensitive topic in the village and after the war, finding out the only person he had loved was still alive left him feeling broken in new ways. 

There were days where Kakashi couldn't help but think back and figure out if he had done things differently, would the outcome be better. It all didn't matter now anyhow. 

Kakashi had ended the conversation before it could escalate and finalized the details for his new home. 

It had been a month since then and he was slowly getting used to having so much space to himself. He had recently put up new wards even when the place was heavily guarded with is personal ANBU. It gave him a sense of familiarity whenever he felt the constant tug on his chakra. 

But now, the tug was different. The intruding chakra was bright and powerful and was uniquely Naruto. He should have been able to sense Kurama's chakra as soon as Naruto had even stepped foot onto his property, his explosive chakra acting more like a beacon at times. Kakashi has been on edge since the week started. Last night had marked day seven as another sleepless night. His mind hadn’t been able to shut down and his body was now suffering the due consequences. He knew he was physically tired. His heavy limbs made sure of that. But it was the wild thoughts that often ran through his mind late at night that had Kakashi wide awake.

Kakashi blamed it on the stress of shifting office. Naruto’s inauguration had been a few weeks ago and he was still moving out of the Hokage Tower but now, he didn't have any other excuses. 

He got out of bed and quickly glanced at himself in the mirror to make sure he didn’t look as dead as he felt. His eyes had deep bags setting in and his hair looked like it had faded a shade or two. He ran his hand through his hair feeling the knots that caught against his fingers. 

_ when was the last time i brushed my hair _

Sakura would have a fit. 

Kakashi walked out of his bedroom and into the large living area where his former student was, rifling through his fridge. 

A smile blanketed his face at seeing the bright-eyed blonde. 

“Maa Nidaime-sama, to what do I owe the pleasure this morning” Kakashi said in a teasing tone. His voice was rough and low from having just got up. 

Naruto rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly as he closed the fridge door. 

“Senseiiiiii” Naruto drawled. An exasperated look covered his face as he walked closer to his former teacher who was casually leaning against the counter.

Naruto had hit quite the growth spurt during his jonin years and had shot up quite a few inches. Kurama had teased him quite a bit saying puberty had finally hit the blonde. Naruto did not find it amusing 

Now, the younger towered a couple of inches above Kakashi’s slim frame as he fully matured into his adult body. 

“You know I hate it when you call me that. It makes me feel all high and mighty” Naruto sulked. Even as he got older, Naruto never seemed to outgrow the way he wore his emotions so openly. It was something Kakashi had respected since he began teaching team seven from the beginning. 

“I hope you realize you are the Hokage now Naruto. You’re supposed to feel all high and mighty” Kakashi said, chuckling as he moved around to grab something to eat. He didn’t remember the last time he ate this week and his rumbling stomach was a reminder that it had been too long. He opened his cabinet to grab some tea bags but found that he had none. Kakashi never really ate much so his fridge and cabinets would never be fully stocked but there was always something there. However, both were empty now. 

_ oh  _

If Naruto noticed he didn’t say anything. Awkwardly, Kakashi went back to his original position and turned to Naruto. 

“Did something happen Naruto? Is that why you're here so early” Kakashi asked with a worried tone. 

“No no nothing like that sensei its something else entire- wait did you say early? Kakashi sensei it's almost noon” Naruto exclaimed. 

_ what-  _

Kakashi’s eyes widened by the slightest. How long had he been in bed then, just staring up at the ceiling. He thought he’d seen the sun rise just a couple of hours ago and now Naruto was here telling him that almost half a day had passed by. 

Seeing Kakashi’s shoulders tense put Naruto on edge. He’d come to check on Kakashi ever since Sakura said he’d been acting off when he came to check up on her in the hospital earlier that week. Sakura told Naruto that Kakashi kept zoning out and didn't pay any attention to their conversation. He also looked too tired considering he was now retired. 

The last time Naruto had seen Kakashi was during ‘his’ inauguration a few weeks ago. He hadn’t had the chance to check up on the other since then. But now, looking at his former teacher, he felt guilty that he didn’t bother checking on him earlier.

Kakashi looked sick. 

His skin looked even more pale than usual and his eyes looked so tired. He looked skinnier than usual and it was like his shoulders were hunched together, making the usually stoic and confident looking man, look even smaller. What confused Naruto was the look on his sensei’s face. 

“Are you okay sensei? Sakura said you hadn’t been looking too good and you look tense.” Naruto asked, concern evident in his tone. 

“I-It’s nothing Naruto, I just haven’t been able to sleep properly for a bit” Kakashi said, sugarcoating the truth. He knew how stressful the first few weeks of being Hokage felt like and the fact Naruto had even taken the time to come over made him feel bad for wasting the others' time. 

“So what was the reason for your visit?” Kakashi said with a smile plastered on his face. He tried to change the topic but with the way Naruto was looking at him, it was clear it hadn’t worked. 

Naruto's eyes widened with surprise “Oh yeah! I almost forgot. Hinata invited you and the others over for dinner tonight. Even Sasuke's coming. It's been so long since we’ve all spent some time together, and Hima misses you, you know”. 

“Are you sure? If it's just you and your friends going, wouldn’t I be intruding” Kakashi asked, trying to be polite. 

“Of course you're not intruding Kaka-sensei! Hinata made me promise not to leave until you say you’re coming” Naruto exclaimed, a large cheeky smile taking over his face. 

“Alright, I’ll save you from Hinata’s wrath. I’ll drop by after I finish a few errands” Kakashi sighed. 

“Great. See you there sensei” and with that Naruto left leaving Kakashi standing alone in his kitchen. 

The smile on his face quickly dropped as he took a minute to understand what had happened. This entire week had felt like a fever dream. He was losing track of time and the physical toll of not having slept for seven days was a constant reminder. Control was something Kakashi needed to be stable and right now, he was quickly losing control over a lot of things. 

Going back to his bedroom, Kakashi changed out of the pajama blues he had been wearing to sleep and changed into his uniform. 

He needed to go see Tsunade. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed the chapter
> 
> feedback and comments are always appreciated :)


	4. chapter four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :)
> 
> im so sorry it took so long for me to update since school has been kicking my ass. my update schedule might be inconsistent but i will try my best to update as soon as i can. 
> 
> as always, feedback and comments are always welcome!
> 
> hope you enjoy

Finding an infamous gambler and drunk was not a very difficult task if you knew where to look. 

Heading into the lower levels of Konoha’s hospital, Kakashi found himself in one of it’s more private breakrooms. Out of all places in this antiseptic smelling hell, this was the one place where Kakashi wouldn’t try and escape from.  Lounging comfortably amongst the couch was the former Godaime who looked as if aging wasn’t a thing. 

It had been a while since Kakashi had last spoken to Tsunade as the latter had been up and about, traveling around the village and hospital to help as much as she could. Kakashi found Shizune too, leaning over a table intently reading something with TonTon quietly napping in her lap. 

Sensing a new chakra enter the room, Tsunade looked up from the medical report she was reading and smiled in surprise. 

“Tsk, about time you visited kid, how’s retirement treating you” She asked in her cocky tone. Kakashi smiled, hearing her familiar taunting. 

“I’m doing okay” Kakashi replied. 

The older gestured to the seat next to her, urging Kakashi to sit down but when the younger didn’t make a move to do so, she looked up only to find him shifting from one foot to the other in his spot in the middle of the room. 

She sighed out loud. 

“If only I could have got this level of respect from you when I was still the Hokage” she said with a smile on her face as she grabbed her successor by the sleeve and onto the couch. 

“You know I’m not your Hokage anymore right, you don’t have to kneel” she said in a teasing tone as Shizune giggled in the background. 

“Maa, Tsunade-sama you know that you will always be my superior” Kakashi replied with his smiling eyes. 

“How’s Naruto, Kakashi-san” Shizune asked, lightly petting the sleeping pig in her lap. 

She had left the office when the title of Hokage had been passed to Kakashi, following Tsunade as her assistant. It had been a few weeks since the two had last seen Naruto after the inauguration. 

“He’s still getting used to all the responsibilities that come with being Hokage, especially the paperwork part” Kakashi says as Shizune nods knowingly. It had taken Shikamaru and Kakashi months to sort through all of the necessary work after his own inauguration after all. 

Especially after a war. 

“Alright kid fess up, you would be the last person to come into a hospital willingly. What’s wrong” Tsunade asked, her tone intimidating yet nurturing in a way that was uniquely her. It was something Kakashi was quite accustomed to, especially when he used to end up in the hospital almost completely chakra depleted as Tsunade yelled at him for being a reckless bastard. 

“Tsunade-sama are you saying I can’t visit you without having something in mind. I didn’t know you thought so lowly about me” Kakashi said in an obviously fake cheery tone, trying to ease the tension that suddenly became evident. 

The former Hokage just frowned. 

Kakashi has been a private person all his life. Never telling anyone he was injured unless it was bad or opening up in general. For him to come to her personally in the hospital meant something was definitely not right. 

“Shizune, leave us for now” 

“Hai Tsunade-sama” 

Shizune got up from her seat lifting TonTon with her and left the room but not before sending Kakashi a worried look. Sighing from his spot next to his superior, Kakashi wondered if it was too late to just back out and pretend nothing happened. 

“Alright Kakashi, spill” Tsunade said. All traces of her smile that was there just moments ago were gone and in its place was a look of seriousness. Her eyebrows were drawn together as if she knew something was up already. 

“I-” he started.

His shoulders felt heavier with an invisible weight and his mask felt ten times tighter against his face, making it harder to breathe. 

“I think there's something wrong with me Tsunade-sama” Kakashi said in a small voice. He felt as if he was five years old all over again, telling his tou-san about how he didn’t feel good. 

“I need a little bit more than that kid” Tsunade said, urging the younger to continue talking. She spoke in a soft voice, almost motherly in a sense. 

“I’m losing track of time. I- I zone out for hours on end. I’m hungry but whenever I look at food all I want to do is throw it away. I can’t s-sleep anymore. Whenever I do somehow get to some sort of sleep, it never lasts long cause I get th-these flashbacks or visions or something and I don't know what to do and I’m so tired and I-” 

He was rambling now. 

Words were coming out of his mouth without his consent and he couldn't stop them. 

How embarrassing of him. Coming apart in front of his former Hokage. 

He tried to stop talking but it was like his body refused to listen to him. His breathing got faster and faster as words kept coming out of his mouth. 

There was a part of him fighting to keep his mouth shut and just shunshin to leave the room and pretend this had never happened. There was also another part of him that felt relieved, so relieved, that he was finally saying the things he felt out loud. 

“Kashi, breathe kid. Slow down or else you're gonna pass out” Tsunade put her hand on Kakashi's chest, sensing that the younger wasn't paying any attention to her, as her hands glowed green with chakra. 

Through the haze of his mind, Kakashi felt the warm chakra as his body sagged in relief from the tension that seemed to make each limb stiff. 

Tsunade removed her hands from Kakashi's chest and looked at the hunched over figure sitting beside her. Her brown eyes roamed over him as she took in things she hadn’t noticed when the younger had walked in through the door. 

Kakashi looked fragile. 

From all the time Tsunade knew the last Hatake, she had never once seen him look like he did now. Not when he came back to the village nearly chakra depleted and with a smirk on his face before he passed out in her office, not when he came home with the dead body of a team member. 

After each thing that life had thrown at him, the silver haired shinobi had come out with his head high and his eyes lit with determination. 

But this was new. 

“You’re not really okay, huh kid”

To say Sasuke was not impressed was an understatement. Being back in the village after being gone for almost two months only to be roped into a team dinner by Naruto was not the way he planned spending his first day back.

He had gone to the Hokage tower to return his mission report over strengthening the bonds between Konoha and Iwagakure. Naruto had sent the Uchiha specifically as a way to build trust between the two hidden villages and it had gone fairly well. Sasuke had wanted to go home to finally see his family after his long mission when Naruto had told him about ‘their’ dinner plans. 

He had initially refused to come. He was tired and sweaty and wanted to take a nap. But in the end, Naruto had won the argument by mentioning that Sarada and Sakura would be there. 

Who was he to deny his Hokage anyway. 

Sasuke turned to leave, deciding a shower would be a good idea before going to see everyone, but before he could leave, he felt a hand wrap around his wrist. 

“ I already said I would come what else do you want-” the Uchiha stopped, mid-sentence looking at the face of his longest friend. 

The bright infectious smile that the blonde seemed to wear almost 24/7 was gone and instead, a grimace was in its place. Naruto’s eyebrows were pinched together in seriousness and it was a stark difference to the childish expression he still had even in adulthood. 

“Sasuke, there’s something else I need to tell you before tonight” Naruto said. He looked up to meet the singular eye that wasn’t covered by the latter’s black hair. 

“Did something happen” Sasuke asked, his voice going slightly deeper with caution. 

“Um, I don't exactly know how to say this and, um, I mean there’s nothing wrong really-” Naruto started. 

“Just say it dobe” Sasuke’s patience was wearing thin and normally Naruto wouldn’t hesitate with something important like he was now. Something was definitely wrong. 

“It’s about Kakashi-sensei” Naruto finally said. 

_ Kakashi?  _ Sasuke thought. What could possibly be wrong with him. 

He was officially retired now as both a jonin and a Hokage. He should be walking through the village reading his damn Icha Icha books and doing old people things. 

What happened while he was away.

“What do you mean?” Sasuke asked. 

“Sakura and I, and even Sai, we think there’s something wrong with Kaka-sensei” Naruto said all in one breath. 

_ No, that's wrong _

The way Naruto had said it and the way his eyes hadn’t met Sasuke’s own during his outburst was not right. 

If the room suddenly got colder, no one mentioned it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always appreciated :)


	5. chapter five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.....its been a minute or two 
> 
> school has been absolutely crazy and i haven't had the time to sit down and work on this fic at all. im sorry for such a long wait but i can't promise regular updates just yet. 
> 
> this is a shorter chapter than usual as i'm trying to get back into the flow of writing after about a month away so please excuse any errors
> 
> hope you enjoy :)

Kakashi didn’t know where he was going. 

_ what did i just do _

_ what the fuck is wrong with me _

_ have i always been this weak _

There were so many thoughts going through his mind, each thing passing by with just the right amount of time to dwell on it, and then it was replaced by something else. Kakashi felt more on edge than he’s ever been in the past months. Every small noise or movement at the corners of his eyes had his mind and body fighting over entering his instinctual fight reflexes. 

_ i am in konoha _

_ i am safe  _

Was he really though? How could anyone be safe when the fight happening isn't even on the outside but the inside. 

After Tsunade has managed to calm Kakashi down, she let the younger shinobi lay into her side, almost subconsciously as if his body was yearning for warmth and comfort, and listened to the loud ragged breaths Kakashi was swallowing down. She had pushed in just the needed amount of healing chakra to forcefully relax his body but that didn’t stop whatever was happening in his mind. 

“Kashi, look at me” Tsundae said in a soft voice, looking down at the head of silver hair leaning against her shoulder. A small broken whimper came out of the shivering figure and Tsunade had to repress a flinch of surprise upon hearing the noise. She placed her hands on either side of Kakashi’s body and pushed him back just enough so she could see his eyes. 

This time, she didn’t hold back her shock. 

The grey almost dead eyes staring back at her own brown eyes was something she had only seen in her nightmares that happened every so often.

_ It looked so much like Sakumo’s cold lifeless eyes staring at her as she made the final announcement of his suicide, confirming his death _

Kakashi’s eyes were bloodshot and silent warm tears were still rolling down his cheeks. He had made a second of eye contact and immediately looked down, his body tensing under her hands that was still tightly gripping the younger’s shoulders. 

Suddenly, all her hands were holding was empty air as the room around her crackled with lightning and the barest scent of ozone was all that was left. Tsunade sat there frozen, still staring ahead of her where the person she cared for like a son had sat mere seconds ago. 

Shizune found her like that almost two hours later. 

Naruto’s leg wouldn’t stop bouncing up and down and Sasuke had enough. 

“Stop your shit, bouncing your leg like a ball isn't going to solve the problem,” Sasuke said with no real malice or heat behind it, finally breaking the silence of the room. Naruto just looked up from where he had been sitting behind the Hokage's desk and didn’t say a word. 

Sasuke hated it. 

Naruto stood up abruptly knocking his chair to the ground “We have no clue what’s wrong with Kaka-sensei and the problem. He’s supposed to be retired and finally  _ finally  _ happy for once” 

“I know” 

“No listen to me Sasuke, Sakura hasn’t seen him leave his house in weeks and I talked to Sai and his ANBU unit who guard sensei around his house and he hasn’t even left his room to eat” Naruto exclaimed, worry making his tone stern as if he was scolding someone. 

“Have you asked him?” Sasuke replied in indifference. Naruto came around from his desk and stood in front of Sasuke, “In all of the years we knew Kakashi-sensei, when has he ever talked to us”

“Hinata needs me to help her with tonight so I need to leave and-” Naruto said before Sasuke interrupted him. 

“Is he coming tonight? For sure?” 

“Yea I went to Kaka-sensei’s house just this morning to invite him in person so he has no other excuse. He said he had a few things to do and he’d be there” Naruto said. 

Sasuke nodded, “Then we’ll deal with it then”. With his final comment, Sasuke sunshine out of the Hokage's office. Naruto walked back to his desk and picked up his chair before tidying up a few papers that got knocked down in his movement. He stared at the room he was in and the portraits of all the previous Hokage's before his eyes settled on the familiar eye smile of his teacher’s portrait. 

_ ‘It’s always something with that one isn't it’  _ the dark rumbly voice in Naruto’s head said. 

“Kurama, what do you think, you’ve never been this quiet before” Naruto said in response to the tailed beast in his head. 

_ ‘Like your Uchiha friend said Uzumaki, we shall see at dinner’  _ With that, silence returned once again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!!
> 
> feedback, kudos, and comments are always appreciated and help a lot :)


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